Photo by Riley Peters via the Hatteras Realty Facebook page. Posted to Can’t Speak English purely so it could be pinned.

Can I Eat? Lol.

My sister, Alaina, and her boyfriend, Kevin, wanted to go out to dinner in celebration of my nephews recent birthday. They had been telling me about this Mongolian grill out in Southside for a couple days, and it sounded like a great place to eat. Alaina had something to do after dinner, so she drove one car, and her boyfriend another. I rode out with Alaina.

Unfortunately, once we got to the Mongolian grill, we found the wait was over an hour. Alaina didn’t think Kevin would want to wait that long, so she called him. They talked briefly, and then Alaina looked at me and said, “Can you eat?”

I stared at her with an intensity usually reserved for only the most serious of occasions and very clearly said, “Yes.”

So she went back to talking to Kevin, and they agreed on a place to go. Green Forest, in some other part of the city (I don’t know the area too well). Alaina said to me, “It’s a great restaurant, but you need to be able to eat a lot.”

To which I said “Have you looked at me recently?” with a look of incredulity and a gesture at my massive frame. “What kind of place is it?”

“It’s a Brazilian place.” Ah, I had heard about this. Kevin had told me about them the day before. Apparently they brought around skewers of meat fresh off the grill to each table and cut you a small bit off. It sounded cool. So like that, we were going to the Brazilian place.

When we arrived, I was pleasantly surprised. It was a really nice place; dim lighting, wood everywhere, classy like. We sat down, the waiter came around for drink orders, and we were loosed upon the food. It’s an all-you-can-eat place, and has a pretty awesome buffet. I wasn’t sure what to do or where to go, but Kevin clearly saw my look of apprehension and gave me the low down. We went to the buffet, he handed me a plate and warned me not to fill it too much. Before I had an opportunity to ask what he meant, he was gone. Hmmmm.

The buffet was covered in all sorts of food. Kevins advice to keep a small plate went mostly unheeded. Grilled portabellas; roasted red, yellow and green peppers; rolls of fresh sushi; and tons of grilled vegetables all tempted me. I took less than I normally would, but my plate was by no means empty. Besides, it’s just small pieces of meat coming around, right? I had enough room for small pieces of meat, and if I got too much for the plate, I’d just eat it. Famous last words.

Would You Like Meat with Your Meat?

My family mentioned what type of restaurant Green Forest is, and maybe I should have googled it. In fact, Green Forest is a churrascaria, which is clearly Portuguese for “Lots O’Fucking Meat”. No sooner had I sat down than the butcher’s parade began.

First, let’s clear up the misconception of skewers. These were not small skewers of meat like you might use on your grill at home for kebabs. These were great big fucking swords covered in massive chunks of cow, pork and various other once living creatures, which the waiter would thrust into the table before looking at you and asking very clearly and in perfect English, “MEAT???”

To which you always replied “Yes, please” like some street waif cowed by this delectable haunch of dripping, grilled oral gratification.

While they did cut off small portions of a few bites each, you quickly realized that you had no chance of eating the meat as fast as you got the meat. No sooner was the fresh steaming slice dropped on your rapidly filling platter than another waiter would be there, meat sword in hand, ready to tempt you with a completely different cut of deliciousness. You had a small coaster that was green on one side and red on the other which you would flip as you wanted meat, but the waiters were mostly colorblind and tried to give you their meat anyway.

So Much Meat!

These guys were almost always five deep at the edge of the table, waiting patiently for their turn to bless us with their beefy bounty. I found that the plate of vegetables I had gotten from the buffet would have to be forgotten. Indeed, I never even made it back to the buffet. I was too inundated with meat.

My sister and her boyfriend were sharing a meat plate between them. The waitress was very helpful. I kept running out of room on my plate for more meat, a problem she solved by bringing me more plates. Note that she never actually took a plate away without my asking. Though at some point, she must have wondered if I would really eat three plates of meat. Which I did.

“Why?” you must be asking. “How many pieces of steak do you want?” See, that was another of my initial problems. I thought at best they might offer six or seven cuts of meat, and maybe some chicken. I was wrong.

They Had All the Meat.

They had skirt steak, strip steak, loin, long ribs, short ribs, filet, bacon wrapped filet, bacon wrapped turkey, swordfish, Brazilian sausages, lamb chops, leg of lamb, cheese crusted strip and many, many more I can’t remember. Any cut of meat you can imagine, likely a small slice or two ended up on my plate. By the end of the meal, I was in imminent danger of colon cancer or a heart attack. Probably both at the same time. Kevin was more than generous to pick up the tab, and Kevin, Austin and I went on our merry way home.

But Then….

At this point, I’d like to warn you. Stop here, because further on, it gets a little…eww. Not my typical brand of humor, but appropriate.

Once we got back to the house, I felt a smoke was in order. I went out to the back porch, and Austin joined me shortly after. With the indomitable stomach of a teenager, my nephew had brought a flan home with him from the restaurant and proceeded to eat it as I smoked.

“Do you feel it yet?” Bite of flan.

What was he talking about? “No, what do you mean?” I asked

“Hmm. You will.” Bite of flan. “And it’s gonna smell terrible.” Bite of flan.

What the fuck was he on about? Then without warning, my stomach gurgled. Just once, but it was enough. My nephew heard it clearly from across the porch and looked up knowingly from his damnable flan. I was suddenly done smoking.

I made it to the bathroom with time to get my pants down, but not much else. To make a long story short, this was the most crazy shit of my life. It was like something from a movie. Loud explosive booms mingled with staccato bursts over long drawn out rumbles of thunder to make the most embarrassing cacophony my ass has ever produced. I clutched weakly at the seat as I heard my rear make a noise not unlike it was vomiting into the toilet. I flushed that bitch three times, and still it went on.

At least my colon was clean after.

When I finally finished, I was convinced that the neighbors had certainly been woken by my impromptu anal orchestrations. I cleaned the toilet as best I could, and went to rejoin the others. However, when I went into the great hall, I found only my nephew sitting on the couch. “Where’s Kevin?” I asked.

“I don’t know. He left about a little while ago.” Austin informed me. Then he started laughing. “I took the opportunity to use the bathroom. It was massive. I named it Simon.”

“That’s nice,” I laughed back. “Mine were Huey, Dewey and Louie, because I had to send that beast to hell as triplets.”

We continued laughing and Kevin suddenly came in. He saw us laughing, started to grin himself, and asked what we were laughing about. I knew in his head, Kevin was thinking, “Damn, they DID hear it down here!”

All photos of food are from the Green Forest website.

First, I’m from NC. WTF is a besties? Sounds like animal porn. She probably is an uneducated redneck, so that may be it. Celebrating her first time with a dog, maybe? Probably what got “jen” “Ill”.

Ok, so I definitely agree with her point, but how about you be less of a rude bitch? Seriously!!!

I know illegal immigrants who write better than this. I’m not even exactly sure what the hell she’s talking about.

A civil war in AZ? In the next two years, you say? No worries. The world is going to end this year anyway! Oh, and BTW, pretty sure AZ isn’t YOUR state. Unless “Tammy” is Native American for “Ugly-Bitch-Who-Talks-Like-a-Cow”. Which would be more appropriate.

I don’t think it’s the politicians who are out of touch with reality.

Too many grammatical errors, plus a statement that’s just ignorant. Maybe he knows Talks-Like-A-Cow Tammy.

Oh, I know what they’re about. Ignorance, narrow mindedness, and a too much reliance on spell check. It’s copyright, morons.

WTF? Who is Alaska afraid of? The fucking Eskimos?

Fight for our country? Are we being invaded and no one fucking told me???? God damn you, Fox News!!! How’d you drop the ball on that one?

Oh, I finally figured it out!

]]> http://cantspeakenglish.com/random/stand-with-assholes-and-against-illegal-immigration/feed/ 0 http://cantspeakenglish.com/random/the-new-battleship-movie-depresses-me/ http://cantspeakenglish.com/random/the-new-battleship-movie-depresses-me/#comments Thu, 09 Feb 2012 18:53:18 +0000 Robert http://cantspeakenglish.com/?p=140 Continue reading →]]> While I have always been more a fan of the written word, I still appreciate great movies and television shows. Throughout the years since the invention of the movie camera, there have been countless great movies made in Hollywood. The Maltese Falcon, Casablanca, The Godfather, etc..Countless movies have sprung from the loins of Hollywood. Then they gave us this:

BattleShip: The Movie

Yeah, it’s based on the board game of the same name. This is just the next step in an endless procession of putrescence spewed from sewers of stupidity and further proof that Hollyweird has run out of ideas. I’d heard there was an Astroids movie, and now I feel I may have dismissed it prematurely.

This movie is in the same vein as the recent Real Steal, which I’ve not seen  but judging from the previews, is a pretty clear attempt to turn Rock’em Sock’em Robots into a cash cow. It saddens me, because Hugh Jackman was a good actor.

And Battleship stars Liam Neeson, whom should have avoided this movie like Typhoid Mary.

Can’t Speak English.com

Saving SNL

But while working on a movie she was starring in, I found this gem. Wow. Every time I think SNL is dead and just needs buried, they come out with something like this.

The uncensored version is even better. Giving new meaning to NSFW, this video could easily be considered offensive by people. Like my Aunt, who bitched at me for quoting it on my brothers Facebook page.

Evey is Verily Versatile

This video is a beautiful, angry car wreck. Natalie Portman looks PISSED in this video. Like WOW pissed off.  Was she working out some shit on the stage of SNL? I think so. Like this gem: “All the kids looking up to me can suck my dick!” Which I might add, is the line my Aunt didn’t like me quoting.

This video proves three things about Natalie Portman:

1. She has a range of acting ability that I didn’t realize previously.
2. She can  approach a project with an open mind and accept something just for the sheer fun of it.
3. Natalie Portman is a bad ass bitch.

This video actually reminds me of the episode of the Dave Chappelle show that featured Wayne Brady, where Wayne acted very differently than he usually does on TV. Less like a bitch, more like a pimp.

This video is actually pretty witty and whoever wrote it deserves some credit. This was a burst of genius. Props also to Natalie Portman for such a smooth delivery of some lyrical tongue twisters.

Too bad the rest of us can’t speak English that well.

Control Machete

One of my favorite Mexican bands, Control Machete is a rap group that just sounds good. I have no idea what the hell they’re saying usually, but it doesn’t stop me from loving their sweet barrio beat.

Thalia

Another Latina singer, she’s hot, and this song is just awesome. Honestly, it’s the only song of hers I know, but it doesn’t matter. It sounds like something I would totally dance to. If I could dance. Plus, this video makes my pants two sizes too small.

The Seatbelts

I love Cowboy Bebop, and this Japanese group rose to prominence by doing the soundtrack for the show, including the theme song. They also are my favorite jazz type band to date.

Wax Tailor

This French DJ makes some crazy sounds and is my favorite group on this page. In fact, he’s in my top ten favorite musicians of all time. I love to mock the French, but there’s no denying that every time I hear one of his songs, it makes my skin tingle. This is the song that started it all for me.

Alabama 3

Another one of my favorites, this British band, known as A3 in the States, did the theme to the Sopranos. Their music might have a message, but beats me what the hell it is. It just sounds good.

Glukosa

I think they’re Russian. Some kinda Slav anyway. I heard this song in GTA IV, and I loved it immediately. The band is good, but good luck finding much of their other stuff. The name of the song, Schwiene, is German for “pigs” and it clearly is making fun of the Nazis. Past that, beats me.

Goes to Show

These are some of my favorite bands period. Music is a language all of it’s own, and just because you can’t speak English, doesn’t mean you can’t make some awesome music.

Can’t Speak English.com

Christianity

How it’s Portrayed:

Christians follow Jesus Christ. No, Christ wasn’t his last name. Though in typical naming tradition, it’s his title, being the Greek for Messiah. Little known fact, Jesus wasn’t even his name. It’s Joshua. Read your bible.

Christians believe that Jesus was the son of God, could perform miracles and rose from the dead after being crucified. A standard part of worship is the communion, where you break bread and drink the wine which symbolizes the body and blood of Christ. The first communion was considered the Last Supper, a painting of which helped make Da Vinci famous.

Interesting. So that means….

The Reality of the Situation

You’re a ritualistic cannibal that worships a zombie. Or a vampire. It doesn’t really matter. You worship the UNDEAD!

Judaism

The Perception

Judaism was the religion of Christ, as well as being the first of the three Judaic religions, the others being Christianity and Islam. This picture seems to sum up pretty much everything I think of when I think Jew: a menorah and dreidel, plus gold. Jews have been persecuted pretty much since the first one crawled out of a cave. The Egyptians, Romans, Muslims, Christians, Germans, English, Italians and Southerners have all tried to kill them at some point in their history.  They call themselves Gods Chosen People, but if that’s what God does to his chosen ones, I’d rather be a fucking zombie worshiper.

The Reality of the Situation

This bacon cheeseburger is the fast track to Hell. If Jews had a hell. Judaism has more laws than any one person could ever keep track of. Moses gave them the Ten Commandments and then another thousand somehow popped up in the mix. No pork. No dairy mixed with meat. No clothing made with more than one material. No…Wait, WTF? If my shirt has cotton and polyester I’m going to hell? Pffft. Pass!

Islam

Perception

The newest of the Judaic religions, Muslims worship the same God as Jews and Christians, they just call him Allah. The Jews call him Jaweh, so what the hell. This is probably the most misunderstood religion of the three as well. Not as badly persecuted though, because unlike the Jews, a Muslim will fuck you up in the name of Allah. Though the Palestinians are definitely getting mistreated terribly by their Israeli overlords. Also, the Qu’ran is pretty much just the Christian bible with a couple extra chapters. They even call Jesus the Messiah, but consider him a prophet. Second only to Mohammed, their Grand Poomba.

Historically, Muslims are actually more peaceful than Christians. When they took over a territory, you had the choice to convert or you had to pay a minor tax. Christians just killed. Which is odd, since Christianity is the only one that preaches to turn the other cheek. They welcomed people of the Book (Judeo-Christians) in their lands, and advanced the sciences a lot better than our Christian forefathers ever wanted to. It wasn’t a Muslim who imprisoned Galileo.

The Reality of the Situation

And then that happened. Good luck getting past THAT stigma.

Though it seems weird we don’t think Christians are evil since the Protestants and Catholics have been killing people for years in terrorist attacks in Ireland.

My Recommendation?

Fuck it. Be a Buddhist.

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