My Guide to the Judaic Faiths

There are a lot of religions in this world. It seems that there is some inborn urge for us to believe in a higher power, and as such, many people have claimed to find the “true” way of that higher power. The problem is, with so many religions, how do you find the one that’s right for you? Here’s an easy to follow guide that explains the three religions of Judaic origin. With tongue fully in cheek. 

Christianity

How it’s Portrayed:

Christians follow Jesus Christ. No, Christ wasn’t his last name. Though in typical naming tradition, it’s his title, being the Greek for Messiah. Little known fact, Jesus wasn’t even his name. It’s Joshua. Read your bible.

Christians believe that Jesus was the son of God, could perform miracles and rose from the dead after being crucified. A standard part of worship is the communion, where you break bread and drink the wine which symbolizes the body and blood of Christ. The first communion was considered the Last Supper, a painting of which helped make Da Vinci famous.

Interesting. So that means….

The Reality of the Situation

You’re a ritualistic cannibal that worships a zombie. Or a vampire. It doesn’t really matter. You worship the UNDEAD!

Judaism

The Perception

Judaism was the religion of Christ, as well as being the first of the three Judaic religions, the others being Christianity and Islam. This picture seems to sum up pretty much everything I think of when I think Jew: a menorah and dreidel, plus gold. Jews have been persecuted pretty much since the first one crawled out of a cave. The Egyptians, Romans, Muslims, Christians, Germans, English, Italians and Southerners have all tried to kill them at some point in their history.  They call themselves Gods Chosen People, but if that’s what God does to his chosen ones, I’d rather be a fucking zombie worshiper.

The Reality of the Situation

This bacon cheeseburger is the fast track to Hell. If Jews had a hell. Judaism has more laws than any one person could ever keep track of. Moses gave them the Ten Commandments and then another thousand somehow popped up in the mix. No pork. No dairy mixed with meat. No clothing made with more than one material. No…Wait, WTF? If my shirt has cotton and polyester I’m going to hell? Pffft. Pass!

Islam

Perception

The newest of the Judaic religions, Muslims worship the same God as Jews and Christians, they just call him Allah. The Jews call him Jaweh, so what the hell. This is probably the most misunderstood religion of the three as well. Not as badly persecuted though, because unlike the Jews, a Muslim will fuck you up in the name of Allah. Though the Palestinians are definitely getting mistreated terribly by their Israeli overlords. Also, the Qu’ran is pretty much just the Christian bible with a couple extra chapters. They even call Jesus the Messiah, but consider him a prophet. Second only to Mohammed, their Grand Poomba.

Historically, Muslims are actually more peaceful than Christians. When they took over a territory, you had the choice to convert or you had to pay a minor tax. Christians just killed. Which is odd, since Christianity is the only one that preaches to turn the other cheek. They welcomed people of the Book (Judeo-Christians) in their lands, and advanced the sciences a lot better than our Christian forefathers ever wanted to. It wasn’t a Muslim who imprisoned Galileo.

The Reality of the Situation

And then that happened. Good luck getting past THAT stigma.

Though it seems weird we don’t think Christians are evil since the Protestants and Catholics have been killing people for years in terrorist attacks in Ireland.

My Recommendation?

Fuck it. Be a Buddhist.

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